Post by Deleted on Nov 1, 2017 7:29:06 GMT -5
Okay, so after doing this for the first show and getting a positive reaction to it, I’ve decided I’ll do it with every show. I kinda wish more people would, because this is all subjective. It’s only my opinion, which doesn’t make it right. My comments here could be supported or completely shot down by the rest of the group, but if we don’t know, then how can the fed staff take the feedback on board?
I'm just excited that I got to read it. I'm supposed to be working on a client project but they've delayed things, so I'm free! Anyway, here we go!
Opening Segment: This is the typical show intro with the added bonus of an interview with Deacon Thomas. It’s written in present tense. Cool. I liked the idea that he’s on a plane, live - via satellite, conducting an interview. My initial thought was “Ha, watch, he won’t make it to this show either and the story will continue where he keeps missing events because of complications.” Of course, the twist comes when his feed cuts and his music hits. Turns out he’s in the arena all along, so comes to the ring and cuts a promo. There’s no mention of why he swerved us like that, so I’m left feeling slightly confused by it all. Just a cool surprise for the fans? Who knows? I also felt this one dragged a bit. It took me longer than it ought to have, at 1,300 something words, to read it. I think it’s because I kept tripping up over some basic errors in sentence structure and it wasn’t making sense in my own head. I guess the take away from this one is to read the segment after you spell check it, to make sure it makes complete sense.
Valentine Vs Williams: The house of fun match! This one is written in past tense, but the entrances are written in present tense. I know it might be a non-issue for some but it’s a personal bugbear of mine. Having said that, the match was well written and I enjoyed the hardcore aspect of it. In my opinion, this fight should have been further up the card, as there were only two matches that produced more roleplays. I’m a big advocate of handlers getting recognition for their efforts, so card structure is one way that could be achieved. Sure, it’s billed as the opener and the title fight is billed as the main event, but if handlers “steal the show” then that would be cool to reflect that on card position within results.
Next Segment: We’re in present tense again, as Chelsea Quik and Jason Halich have a nice little back and forth. The flow in this one is great; really smooth and easy to read. There was one spelling error that I spotted but that’s easily forgiven. I’m intrigued by this story, to tell you the truth. Here’s another example of a cliff-hangar (of sorts) to keep us invested. Who is Halich going to choose as Chelsea’s “one opponent” to get her out of a contract? Oh, just spotted one thing that confused me! Jason says “but, if you don’t win, you stay exclusive to Pride until you do win” and Chelsea replies: “And if I lose?” - Well, he just told her, didn’t he? Lol. I’m not sure if I’ve picked that up wrong or if she’s meant to say “And if I win?”
Spider Vs Maverick: Again, entrances in present tense, match is in past tense. Nice, quick, squash - again. Feel bad for Spider’s handler for not getting opponents who roleplay. But if it helps build the undefeated streak then it’s not all bad.
Next Segment: Hahaha, Sammy Duke and Luke Jackson on… a date? In present tense. I don’t know what else to call it? This felt odd, like I’m not sure, having read it at the end, what I’m supposed to have taken from it? What is it building? What is it leading to? Are we about to see the formation of a tag team? It just reads like we’re not actually supposed to be watching this and someone has made a cock-up by pressing record on the camera. Sorry if that upsets anyone, it’s just how I felt about it. Filler.
DRU Vs Jackson: Entrances in present tense, match in past tense. Another squash because of a no show, but I like how it was used to “right the wrongs” of last show between Jackson and the referee JD Wright. That was nicely done.
Next Segment: An appearance from Taryn Robinson - happy to see that, as sometimes you forget she’s part of this fed. We’re in present tense. This is good. There’s some issues with structure but it’s not hurting the flow or anything. I like what this could be leading to. There’s a need for some good old fashioned conflict among the powers that be. That looks like where it’s headed. I’m intrigued.
Anderson Vs Thomas: Again, entrances in present tense, matches in past tense. Good, solid match. Well written. I like the intensity between both men at the end. It kind of cements the promise Josh made on the last episode, where he guaranteed he’d be winning his next fight. He followed through on that. Good work.
Next Segment: The bold Merrick Henderson, in present tense. Love the brevity of this, the flow and actually how simple-yet-effective it is. He’s managed to continue the relevance of a feud with some smack talk right after Deacon takes a L, adding insult to injury. That’s all it needed. The tables match is really shaping a classic face/heel battle.
James Vs Rhodes: Entrances in present tense, match in past tense. Good match, well written. Well done, Holly.
Next Segment: Anushka Aalto and Hamrick, past tense. I helped write this one (I tend to write in present tense but the collaboration didn’t go that way, lol) so I won’t harp on about the content or where it’s going. I’m looking forward to it though.
Simmons Vs Duke: Entrances in present tense, match in past tense. Another well written match with a decent back and forth. I like that the manager at ringside was utilised. Too often in other places, you don’t really see much from managers, despite them being there.
Next Segment: Maxine Murphy being announced as GM in past tense. This one is a cool little bridge to move stories forward. I like the simplicity of it. We’ve got ourselves a new GM and a triple threat TV title fight next week. That should be good.
Henderson Vs Aalto: Entrances in present tense, match in past tense. I felt this one ought to have stole the show and, while the match itself was really well written, it doesn’t stand out from any other match that I’ve read before it. I really don’t want to take away from it though, because it WAS really well written. I’d have just liked to have seen a little more of it, I guess. That was a close call and either of them as winner would have been deserving. Hamrick escorting Aalto backstage at the end is a cool little exclamation point too. We’ve got ourselves a new alliance, of sorts, I guess.
Next Segment: We’re backstage with DeMarcus Gresham, in present tense. I like that he’s focusing on Julian Savell, ahead of their future fight - that’s important to continue, and it sort of plays along with the comments made against Gresham in the build up to his own fight. I’m completely lost at the end though when he talks about Aalto facing Savell? Savell is facing Christian Michaels next. Is that an error? Or have I missed something? Have we just been given a spoiler to the next show? I have no clue.
Savell Vs Michaels: Entrances in present tense, match in past tense. It was a well written fight, but I’ve got to say, I’m surprised by it. I thought Savell no showed? Michaels ought to have dominated in a squash. Why was that not the case? Was the decision made to use the fight as a vehicle to further the feud between Gresham and Julian? So it had to look like Julian was in with a shot at some point? I agree that the fight should have been used to further their feud, but a no show is a no show. I’d have gone with a different idea for Gresham to cost him, so that Savell gets little-to-no offence in. Dunno, that’s just me. If you’re going to squash other no shows, Savell should be no different.
Next Segment: R.C Tucker building the main event, in present tense. Really nice little promo hyping the fight. For a title fight, this has had next to no build. I’m glad we’re getting something here. Nice work.
Gresham Vs Hamrick: Entrances in present tense, match in past tense. I thought it was another well written match with a good back and forth. The draw is what it is. It did a good job of building both fighters in their respective styles: Gresham as a cheat who adopts an any means necessary approach, and Hamrick as a monster. Nicely done.
Next Segment: Julian Savell in present tense, reacting to his loss and Gresham’s tactics. Yep, I like this one. I like that the feud is being built and continued over to the next show with Savell choosing Wilder as Gresham’s next opponent. I missed why Julian is allowed to pick an opponent. I must have missed that somewhere.
Title Fight: Love the match, love the sportsmanship at the end, and I feel the right guy won, looking at the RPs. Although it was close.
POSITIVES
- Segment lengths where good again, as with the last show.
- The flow of the show was really good, despite there being a lack of segments. That’s a testament to the fed staff for making it work. Great job.
- All of the matches were really well written.
- The continuation of stories was there, although not as plentiful as last show. Henderson/Thomas is still getting some attention; Josh Anderson’s intense monologue from #1 promising a victory delivered and concluded; the tag team match botch in #1 was concluded and settled in this show; Anushka Aalto finding a bodyguard in Oren Hamrick continues on from the hit and run attempt on her from #1; Savell & Gresham’s feud continued and the title matches have continued and concluded, respectively.
- I’m intrigued by the emergence of two new stories: Chelsea Quik/Halich, and Taryn Robinson putting together a little alliance. It’ll be neat to see where that goes.
- Last week I mentioned that move names were being used but the description was lacking; that has been massively remedied this time. It was awesome to see that get taken on board.
- No more dark purple on black! The colour coding was 100% times better this show.
NEGATIVES
- The interchanging tenses is bothering me, lol. I’m noticing that, with the exception of a few segments, all of them and the entrances are in present tense, while the matches are in past tense. I prefer reading in present tense, so my vote would be to write the matches that way. Alternatively, write the segments in past tense. Whatever you do, I beg you, for my OCD, help a guy out! Lol.
- The lack of build for the title fight was so disappointing. Another show goes by without a backstage segment or interview from Erron Wilder, who continues to be pushed as a big deal for the promotion. Why is he not being showcased more then? Perhaps we’re backing the wrong horses.
- With the exception of the main event (which ran longer), virtually all the fights had the same length to them, which I disagree with. There were 3 fights where only 1 RP was produced, but they got the same effort as the matches were 7 RPs were produced. You guys work really hard, so should focus more of your energy into the matches where the handlers really went for it, and spend less energy on delivering on the matches where the handlers didn’t bother as much, if at all.
- One or two of the segments felt utterly pointless, but that’s just me. There was also one or two segments where it felt like crucial mistakes were made, to the point that they didn’t make sense.
- Lack of segments. There was definitely more in the first show and the result was a much more enjoyable read. Disappointed not to have seen more of the Keep America Safe campaign. Where was that? I hope it makes a return on the third show. There was almost no Halloween element to it, either. The show theme was wasted.
Overall, I thought it was a good show. I felt #1 was better in every way, from realistic match botches, to more segments to develop stories, to just more variety. This show was good and remedied some of the negatives I found from the first show, but it also missed some of the positives too. I think, for me, it’s clear to see that the staff have outdone themselves again, but I feel they’ve been let down by the handlers - myself included.
I'm just excited that I got to read it. I'm supposed to be working on a client project but they've delayed things, so I'm free! Anyway, here we go!
Opening Segment: This is the typical show intro with the added bonus of an interview with Deacon Thomas. It’s written in present tense. Cool. I liked the idea that he’s on a plane, live - via satellite, conducting an interview. My initial thought was “Ha, watch, he won’t make it to this show either and the story will continue where he keeps missing events because of complications.” Of course, the twist comes when his feed cuts and his music hits. Turns out he’s in the arena all along, so comes to the ring and cuts a promo. There’s no mention of why he swerved us like that, so I’m left feeling slightly confused by it all. Just a cool surprise for the fans? Who knows? I also felt this one dragged a bit. It took me longer than it ought to have, at 1,300 something words, to read it. I think it’s because I kept tripping up over some basic errors in sentence structure and it wasn’t making sense in my own head. I guess the take away from this one is to read the segment after you spell check it, to make sure it makes complete sense.
Valentine Vs Williams: The house of fun match! This one is written in past tense, but the entrances are written in present tense. I know it might be a non-issue for some but it’s a personal bugbear of mine. Having said that, the match was well written and I enjoyed the hardcore aspect of it. In my opinion, this fight should have been further up the card, as there were only two matches that produced more roleplays. I’m a big advocate of handlers getting recognition for their efforts, so card structure is one way that could be achieved. Sure, it’s billed as the opener and the title fight is billed as the main event, but if handlers “steal the show” then that would be cool to reflect that on card position within results.
Next Segment: We’re in present tense again, as Chelsea Quik and Jason Halich have a nice little back and forth. The flow in this one is great; really smooth and easy to read. There was one spelling error that I spotted but that’s easily forgiven. I’m intrigued by this story, to tell you the truth. Here’s another example of a cliff-hangar (of sorts) to keep us invested. Who is Halich going to choose as Chelsea’s “one opponent” to get her out of a contract? Oh, just spotted one thing that confused me! Jason says “but, if you don’t win, you stay exclusive to Pride until you do win” and Chelsea replies: “And if I lose?” - Well, he just told her, didn’t he? Lol. I’m not sure if I’ve picked that up wrong or if she’s meant to say “And if I win?”
Spider Vs Maverick: Again, entrances in present tense, match is in past tense. Nice, quick, squash - again. Feel bad for Spider’s handler for not getting opponents who roleplay. But if it helps build the undefeated streak then it’s not all bad.
Next Segment: Hahaha, Sammy Duke and Luke Jackson on… a date? In present tense. I don’t know what else to call it? This felt odd, like I’m not sure, having read it at the end, what I’m supposed to have taken from it? What is it building? What is it leading to? Are we about to see the formation of a tag team? It just reads like we’re not actually supposed to be watching this and someone has made a cock-up by pressing record on the camera. Sorry if that upsets anyone, it’s just how I felt about it. Filler.
DRU Vs Jackson: Entrances in present tense, match in past tense. Another squash because of a no show, but I like how it was used to “right the wrongs” of last show between Jackson and the referee JD Wright. That was nicely done.
Next Segment: An appearance from Taryn Robinson - happy to see that, as sometimes you forget she’s part of this fed. We’re in present tense. This is good. There’s some issues with structure but it’s not hurting the flow or anything. I like what this could be leading to. There’s a need for some good old fashioned conflict among the powers that be. That looks like where it’s headed. I’m intrigued.
Anderson Vs Thomas: Again, entrances in present tense, matches in past tense. Good, solid match. Well written. I like the intensity between both men at the end. It kind of cements the promise Josh made on the last episode, where he guaranteed he’d be winning his next fight. He followed through on that. Good work.
Next Segment: The bold Merrick Henderson, in present tense. Love the brevity of this, the flow and actually how simple-yet-effective it is. He’s managed to continue the relevance of a feud with some smack talk right after Deacon takes a L, adding insult to injury. That’s all it needed. The tables match is really shaping a classic face/heel battle.
James Vs Rhodes: Entrances in present tense, match in past tense. Good match, well written. Well done, Holly.
Next Segment: Anushka Aalto and Hamrick, past tense. I helped write this one (I tend to write in present tense but the collaboration didn’t go that way, lol) so I won’t harp on about the content or where it’s going. I’m looking forward to it though.
Simmons Vs Duke: Entrances in present tense, match in past tense. Another well written match with a decent back and forth. I like that the manager at ringside was utilised. Too often in other places, you don’t really see much from managers, despite them being there.
Next Segment: Maxine Murphy being announced as GM in past tense. This one is a cool little bridge to move stories forward. I like the simplicity of it. We’ve got ourselves a new GM and a triple threat TV title fight next week. That should be good.
Henderson Vs Aalto: Entrances in present tense, match in past tense. I felt this one ought to have stole the show and, while the match itself was really well written, it doesn’t stand out from any other match that I’ve read before it. I really don’t want to take away from it though, because it WAS really well written. I’d have just liked to have seen a little more of it, I guess. That was a close call and either of them as winner would have been deserving. Hamrick escorting Aalto backstage at the end is a cool little exclamation point too. We’ve got ourselves a new alliance, of sorts, I guess.
Next Segment: We’re backstage with DeMarcus Gresham, in present tense. I like that he’s focusing on Julian Savell, ahead of their future fight - that’s important to continue, and it sort of plays along with the comments made against Gresham in the build up to his own fight. I’m completely lost at the end though when he talks about Aalto facing Savell? Savell is facing Christian Michaels next. Is that an error? Or have I missed something? Have we just been given a spoiler to the next show? I have no clue.
Savell Vs Michaels: Entrances in present tense, match in past tense. It was a well written fight, but I’ve got to say, I’m surprised by it. I thought Savell no showed? Michaels ought to have dominated in a squash. Why was that not the case? Was the decision made to use the fight as a vehicle to further the feud between Gresham and Julian? So it had to look like Julian was in with a shot at some point? I agree that the fight should have been used to further their feud, but a no show is a no show. I’d have gone with a different idea for Gresham to cost him, so that Savell gets little-to-no offence in. Dunno, that’s just me. If you’re going to squash other no shows, Savell should be no different.
Next Segment: R.C Tucker building the main event, in present tense. Really nice little promo hyping the fight. For a title fight, this has had next to no build. I’m glad we’re getting something here. Nice work.
Gresham Vs Hamrick: Entrances in present tense, match in past tense. I thought it was another well written match with a good back and forth. The draw is what it is. It did a good job of building both fighters in their respective styles: Gresham as a cheat who adopts an any means necessary approach, and Hamrick as a monster. Nicely done.
Next Segment: Julian Savell in present tense, reacting to his loss and Gresham’s tactics. Yep, I like this one. I like that the feud is being built and continued over to the next show with Savell choosing Wilder as Gresham’s next opponent. I missed why Julian is allowed to pick an opponent. I must have missed that somewhere.
Title Fight: Love the match, love the sportsmanship at the end, and I feel the right guy won, looking at the RPs. Although it was close.
POSITIVES
- Segment lengths where good again, as with the last show.
- The flow of the show was really good, despite there being a lack of segments. That’s a testament to the fed staff for making it work. Great job.
- All of the matches were really well written.
- The continuation of stories was there, although not as plentiful as last show. Henderson/Thomas is still getting some attention; Josh Anderson’s intense monologue from #1 promising a victory delivered and concluded; the tag team match botch in #1 was concluded and settled in this show; Anushka Aalto finding a bodyguard in Oren Hamrick continues on from the hit and run attempt on her from #1; Savell & Gresham’s feud continued and the title matches have continued and concluded, respectively.
- I’m intrigued by the emergence of two new stories: Chelsea Quik/Halich, and Taryn Robinson putting together a little alliance. It’ll be neat to see where that goes.
- Last week I mentioned that move names were being used but the description was lacking; that has been massively remedied this time. It was awesome to see that get taken on board.
- No more dark purple on black! The colour coding was 100% times better this show.
NEGATIVES
- The interchanging tenses is bothering me, lol. I’m noticing that, with the exception of a few segments, all of them and the entrances are in present tense, while the matches are in past tense. I prefer reading in present tense, so my vote would be to write the matches that way. Alternatively, write the segments in past tense. Whatever you do, I beg you, for my OCD, help a guy out! Lol.
- The lack of build for the title fight was so disappointing. Another show goes by without a backstage segment or interview from Erron Wilder, who continues to be pushed as a big deal for the promotion. Why is he not being showcased more then? Perhaps we’re backing the wrong horses.
- With the exception of the main event (which ran longer), virtually all the fights had the same length to them, which I disagree with. There were 3 fights where only 1 RP was produced, but they got the same effort as the matches were 7 RPs were produced. You guys work really hard, so should focus more of your energy into the matches where the handlers really went for it, and spend less energy on delivering on the matches where the handlers didn’t bother as much, if at all.
- One or two of the segments felt utterly pointless, but that’s just me. There was also one or two segments where it felt like crucial mistakes were made, to the point that they didn’t make sense.
- Lack of segments. There was definitely more in the first show and the result was a much more enjoyable read. Disappointed not to have seen more of the Keep America Safe campaign. Where was that? I hope it makes a return on the third show. There was almost no Halloween element to it, either. The show theme was wasted.
Overall, I thought it was a good show. I felt #1 was better in every way, from realistic match botches, to more segments to develop stories, to just more variety. This show was good and remedied some of the negatives I found from the first show, but it also missed some of the positives too. I think, for me, it’s clear to see that the staff have outdone themselves again, but I feel they’ve been let down by the handlers - myself included.
